“Why did she have to happen? Just when I was doing so good without her.” – Hunter S. Thompson
A Path member recently asked:
“How do I deal with feeling infatuated with a girl I just met? I want to play it cool but I can’t shake this strong feeling of infatuation that wants to be expressed.”
(anybody relate?)
Here’s what I replied:
Notice the feeling but do not express it.
You just met her, which means she has not earned your infatuation yet.
And expressing a feeling she hasn’t earned signals a lack of standards, which will send her running for the hills.
Of course, you can and should express interest, but only in a light-hearted, low-stakes way.
Your energy should say:
“I don’t know you very well but it feels like there might be something here and it would be cool to find out.”
Not:
“Ohmg you’re amazzzing I remember you from a past life. Can I wear your skin as a coat?”
Because:
Infatuation is not love, it is an attachment pattern.
And the part of you that is infatuated is the part of you that will get in the way of your ability to love skillfully.
So, when you feel infatuation arise:
Notice the feeling.
Notice what that feeling wants you to say or do.
Then, don’t do it.
Instead, keep your interactions relaxed, fun and light.
As you observe your infatuation without allowing it to drive your behaviour, it will begin to transform into a healthier, more mature pattern.
And that healthy, mature pattern will set the stage for a healthy, mature relationship.
That’s what I said in our Path community.
But here are a few more quick, tactical ideas that are coming to mind as I write this:
- When strong feelings arise, relax your body.
A relaxed body creates a relaxed mind which creates relaxed interactions.
- Talk to more people.
The more options you have, the less power any one option has over you.
Yes, commit to one person when the relationship becomes exclusive, or you both develop real feelings for each other — but not before.
- Get clear on what you’re actually looking for in a partner.
Then, treat your early interactions as a testing ground to see if the other person meets your criteria.
(while staying open to being surprised, willing to update your criteria, not dismissing people too early, etc)
Remember:
It’s a tryout, not a chase.
Hope that helps 🙂
- T
P.S. This clip pairs perfectly with today’s email:
Never Do This Early In A Relationship
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