You know that phrase, right?
Sure. Absolutely. I’m totally on board with that universe wisdom type shit.
…except for the part where the reason is apparently that the universe has the sense of humour of a drunk toddler with a YouTube channel and access to your credit card.
Let me paint you a picture here.
You’re running late for work.
(because of course you are, the alarm clock decided it wasn’t gonna be doing any alarming at all…)
You spill coffee on your last clean shirt. The shirt that makes you look like you have your life together instead of like a feral raccoon.
But wait! There’s more. (RIP Billy Mays)
Your car. That beautiful, reliable piece of German engineering that you definitely can’t afford, decides today is the perfect day to make a sound like a dying whale.
Everything happens for a reason, you think, as you stand there in your coffee stained shirt, listening to your car’s death rattle, watching the bus you needed pull away from the stop like it’s personally offended by your existence.
And what’s the reason?
The universe is that friend who sets you up on blind dates. You know the one. They swear this person is “perfect for you” and then introduce you to someone whose primary hobby is collecting vintage dental equipment and whose idea of stimulating conversation is a forty minute monologue about the superiority of manual toothbrushes.
The universe looked at your Monday morning and thought, “You know what would be hilarious? If I made this person question every life choice they’ve ever made before they’ve even had their second cup of coffee.”
Because that’s the thing about reasons.
They’re like that relative who shows up at a Christmas reunion, eats all your food, criticises your life choices, and then leaves you with the dishes. Technically they served a purpose (reminding you why you moved a whole country away), but you’re still standing there wondering what fresh hell just descended upon your kitchen.
Maybe the reason you’re stuck in traffic behind someone who apparently learned to drive by watching The Fast and the Furious through a kaleidoscope is so you’ll be exactly seven minutes late to that meeting where your boss announces layoffs.
Maybe the reason your phone died right before that important call is because the universe knew you were about to agree to help your ex move their furniture (again), and somewhere in the space energy star filled filing system, there’s a sticky note that says “Save this dumbass from themselves.”
Or maybe…
And hear me out here.
Maybe the reason is that we’re all just lab rats in some interdimensional graduate student’s thesis project titled “How Much Weird Shit Can Humans Handle Before They Start Talking to Their Houseplants?”
It definitely does give me some Men In Black vibes occasionally when I get all think-y about it.
I’ve made peace with it. Sort of. In the same way you make peace with the fact that your body makes weird noises after thirty and that you now get genuinely excited about finding a good deal on toilet paper.
Because if everything happens for a reason, then maybe the reason for all this beautiful, chaotic, absolutely batshit insanity is simple…
Life is fucking hilarious when you’re not the punchline.
“Well played, universe. Well fucking played.”
Then you laugh. Because what else are you gonna do? Cry? Please. Save that for when you realise you’ve been wearing your shirt inside out this whole time.
Everything happens for a reason.
Yeah. And that reason is apparently that someone up there has a sense of humour, a twisted imagination, and access to the control panel of your life.
The real question isn’t “why me?”
It’s “what’s the punchline?”
Stephen Walker.
P.S. Fill your eyeballs with today’s The Good Vibes Document over here…
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Stephen Walker, Unit 146317, PO Box 7169, Poole, BH15 9EL, United Kingdom