PRE-EMPTIVE SPOILER WARNING (AKA “THE ETHICS CLAUSE YOU’LL IGNORE BUT SHOULDN’T”)
This email is written like a rabid squirrel on espresso to mimic the greasy-fingered, soul-sucking tactics of marketers who treat humans like ATMs with hair.
The profanity? The aggression? The deliciously manipulative structure? That’s the point.
It’s a funhouse mirror.
A warning and not a blueprint…
If you use these sins to manipulate instead of serve, you’re not a marketer. You’re a carny running a rigged game where the goldfish die.
Don’t be the asshole. Don’t be John Doe. Got a product that’s better? A service that doesn’t taste like despair?
Then your moral imperative is to shout it loud. Hoarding ethical goods is a sin too. Let them choose. Let them breathe.
But don’t cry when karma serves your head in a box.
Now. Let’s dance with the devil but only if he signs a consent form first…
SE7EN DEADLY MARKETING LESSONS
So. You wanna be John Doe?
You wanna crawl inside the meat-puppet skulls of your audience and play their dopamine receptors like a demonic kazoo.
Let’s talk about the 1995 Seven.
The one where Morgan Freeman’s detective aura battles Brad Pitt’s bone structure and a killer who’s really into moral arts and crafts. The seven sins. The box. The flies. The what’s-in-the-fucking-box scream-whisper of capitalism or whatever.
I’ve said this in many forms over the years if you’ve been paying attention…
Marketing is just sin-jujitsu. You take their worst impulses and twist.
Let’s break it down like a ribcage full of razorblades…
Lust
You don’t sell shoes. You sell foot-fetish fuel. You don’t hawk perfume. You sell the throat-punch memory of your ex’s neck sweat. Make them thirst. Tease. “Click to uncover.”
Lust isn’t about sex. It’s about the gap between what they have and what they itch to have. Leave them panting at the edge of the “Buy Now” button.
Gluttony
Feed them till they burst. More content. More deals. More MORE. Autoplay. Suggested for you. “People who bought this also bought a fragment of their own soul.” Gluttony isn’t about satisfaction. It’s about the ritual of consumption. Cram their cart. Stuff their notifications. Watch them chew through subscriptions like a starved rat eating its way through your stomach as the bucket gets hotter and hotter…
Greed
Limited stock. Countdown timers. “Only 3 left!” (There’s 3000 left. You monster.) Greed isn’t currency. It’s panic. The fear that someone else will get their treasure. Turn buyers into dragons hoarding plastic trinkets. “Exclusive access.” “VIP tiers.” “You deserve this.” (Spoiler: They don’t. But fuck it, neither do you.)
Sloth
One-click purchases. Pre-filled forms. “Skip the tutorial.” Sloth isn’t laziness. It’s impatience weaponised. Reduce every decision to a reflex. Autofill their lives. “Subscribe and never think again.” They’ll thank you while their muscles atrophy into pudding.
Wrath
Hot take: Outrage is glue. Pick a side. Any side. Make them angry at the other side. “Don’t let THEM win.” Wrath isn’t conflict. It’s loyalty. Unite your tribe against a common enemy (real or imagined). Sell pitchforks and torches. Market share = war territory.
Envy
Stage the perfect life. Curated imperfection. “Look what THEY have.” Envy isn’t wanting. It’s comparison as self-harm. Filter. Retouch. Highlight reels. User-generated content which is free labour. Turn followers into stalkers. Make their neighbours’ grass literally greener. (Did they use spray paint?)
Pride
“You’re special.” “Be legendary.” “Treat yourself.” Pride isn’t confidence. It’s narcissism monetised. Sell them their own reflection, polished and pixel-perfect. Premium memberships. Gold-plated USB cords. “Because you’re worth it.”
Here’s how you can be the antidote…
The seven sins aren’t shackles. They’re mirrors. Stare into them long enough, and you’ll see the rot. Or the redemption.
Marketing isn’t inherently evil. Humans are. (Mostly.) But here’s the secret they don’t sell in your $2000 “Dark Lord Funnel” course.
Good shit sells itself…
Flip the sins.
Lust → Passion. Make them crave your product like it’s the last spark in a wet matchbook.
Gluttony → Abundance. Overflow with value till they’re drunk on trust.
Greed → Generosity. Give so much they feel guilty not buying.
Sloth → Ease. Remove friction, not dignity.
Wrath → Courage. Fight for them, not against “enemies.”
Envy → Aspiration. Make them want to be better, not bitter.
Pride → Purpose. Let them buy into a legacy, not a lie.
Be the cure. The unapologetic, neon-bright alternative to the vultures picking at society’s bones.
Market like your product could save a life. Because maybe it does. Maybe it’s insulin. Maybe it’s art. Maybe it’s just a really fucking good taco.
Stephen Walker
https://stphnwlkr.com/theleague
P.S. Go check out Seven if you haven’t. It’s wild and the twist gets me every time.
If you’re not diggin’ these tasty little emails anymore you can hit the unsubscribe button right here >>> unsubscribe
Stephen Walker
Unit 146317
PO Box 7169
Poole
BH15 9EL
United Kingdom