aggressively sips eggnog-spiked coffee from murder shed
We’re all slowly winding down a little before eat more roast potatoes and all of the Christmas-y foods…
I need to tell you about the greatest Christmas violence since Hans Gruber fell from Nakatomi Plaza.
You know how sometimes you need a break from writing about murder to watch some murder instead?
Well, let me introduce you to Violent Night, where Santa Claus goes full John Wick on some unfortunate bastards who clearly didn’t read the “naughty list” fine print.
David Harbour (looking like me after a three-day writing binge) plays Santa, but instead of just dropping presents down chimneys, he’s dropping bodies. It’s like someone took every Christmas movie cliché and gave it a battlefield promotion.
The premise is simple. Bad guys try to ruin Christmas. Santa says “ho-ho-holy shit” and proceeds to turn festive decorations into weapons of yuletide destruction. It’s everything I never knew I needed in a Christmas movie, and I once wrote a 3,000-word essay about why Die Hard is the greatest holiday film ever made. I’ll have to dig it up sometime.
What makes this beautiful film work is that it’s exactly what it says on the tin. No pretence.
No “but what does Christmas really mean?” philosophical nonsense. Just Santa going full Viking (yes, that’s actually part of the plot) on people who definitely won’t be getting presents this year. Unless you count concussions as presents.
It’s the perfect movie to watch while taking a break from your own writing, questioning your life choices, wondering if you could fight off home invaders with Christmas decorations and drinking something festive and possibly questionable.
The best part? It’s basically a masterclass in genre-blending storytelling. They took two completely different concepts (jolly gift-giving and brutal revenge), threw them in a blender, and somehow made it work. As a writer, that’s the kind of beautiful chaos we should all aspire to create.
Stephen Walker
Obviously I was going to put the trailer in here cause now you’re curious and want some of THAT festive cheer
P.S. Yes, I watched this without pants. Santa doesn’t judge.
P.P.S. The squirrels watching through my window seemed disturbed by my enthusiastic cheering during the hammer scene. GOOD.
P.P.P.S. If anyone needs me, I’ll be in my murder shed, writing a spec script for “Easter Bunny: Chapter 1 – The Hop of Vengeance.” probably…
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Stephen Walker
Unit 146317
PO Box 7169
Poole
BH15 9EL
United Kingdom